Dysfunctional Equanimity

I am the Disco

2003-06-30T10:32:55Z

Well, here I am. Being a dork. Staying up until 3 in the morning. I'm gonna call in sick tomorrow again. Some friends are in from Georgia and I'm visiting with them. I had the impression I was going to stay up all night with them, but both of them are asleep. lol. Now I'm alone, writing this and watching a Gangs of New York tv spot for the upcoming DVD. You know, they movie was originally suppose to be 4 hours long, but the producers wouldn't allow a theatrical release of that. So they edited out an hour. Hopefully they'll come out with an extended version in the near future because that was one of the best movies of 2002. Weeeee...I was swimming about 2 hours ago and I'm still wet and uncomfortable, but I'm too tired to change...or lazy. Whichever.

I feel uninspired at the moment. I think I need a little nudge on the ass to get myself back on the road of wishful thinking. Rockstar drinks are essential to life. They provide energy, and help you to keep moving. For those of you who don't know they're like 16 oz red bulls. Tasty too. I just bought a cellphone so the girls that call me won't have to go through my Dad. Every single girl that calls my Dad tells them they can't call anymore unless they want to invite me somewhere. How utterly lame. I quit my cellphone to save money, looks like in the process I'm saving money, while losing talkage with my girl buds. I guess 40 bucks a month is worth it.

I feel rather calm and dense. I don't know why, because nothing in life is really working out how I want it too, yet I'm not overly worried or upset about anything. I have to go in this week and pay a 170 dollar ticket, the deadline is July 3. I'm hoping I'll be able to do community service, it not...that's a weeks worth of work down the crapper. Thanks Justice System, you really know how to shape me to become a better citizen and abide by the rules when I see every other person going twice as fast as me. Inconsistent asswipes. Well, it's late and I'm off to bed. Two fruitbags are sleeping next to me and I think I'll rape them or something. Whatever comes to mind.

I'm tired...

2003-06-28T08:57:25Z

I'm afraid of relationships. I'm afraid of marriage. I look at my cousin and one of my best friends and when I look at a certain perspective, they seem to be perfect for each other. But also seem to constantly argue and get irritated with each other. It's depressing to watch. I feel like telling them to shut up. Do all couples do stupid shit like that? Do they argue over the most insignificant things that have no visual bearing on their future lives? It's sickening. I feel as if it's almost impossible to find a girl that I will want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want just a person I can screw, or some pretty face. I want a girl that I can be a friend with, that I can watch movies with, which I can tease and play with and be myself. Who enjoys things that I like, we have the same passion for certain subjects. It's hard as fuck to find a girl like that. Weeding through them is difficult, which is why I don't try. I doubt she'll come to me.

Can you feel all that negative energy? Doesn't it smell wonderful?

But you know, everyone has their way of venting frustrating thoughts and this is my way of doing it.

I had the pleasure of watching a very moving and powerful movie today. Probably one of the best films I've ever seen. American History X. A former neo-nazi skinhead tries to prevent his younger brother from going down the same wrong path that he did. He realizes this is the wrong path when he is sent to prison for a hate crime. He befriends a black man and realizes that it isn't about race at all. We are shown what he was like before prison, he's a smart educated man and the purpose of the film is to show that not all racists are inbred redneck retards. This man was intelligent and he was intelligent enough to change his ways. There were many disturbing things about this film, but one of the most disturbing things about it is the way this man talked about supremacy, it sounded extremely convincing, and you could see how people could become racist. All the things he said made sense and if you weren't educated enough you wouldn't be able to see the flaws his logic. But all of that was intentually, it was done so that he would seem very convincing and when he changed his ways you had no other choice but to agree with him.

I'm tired. So I'm going to go to bed. Thursday was the longest and worst 3 hours of my life at work. But other than that, life’s been super. Got a wedding to be in this October and a script to write. Can't wait to get entrenched in that.

Self Hatred

2003-06-24T17:00:21Z

One of the things that are aggravating about being a writer is that when I watch a film, I usually end up critiquing the hell outta it. Unless it's a near perfect film like Fight Club, Matrix, or Pulp Fiction. It's frustrating because in my mind I could have made it better. The flaws are apparent to me. For example, The Hulk sucked donkey dick. The self hatred that made Banner become the Hulk was ridiculous. He didn't have self hatred, certainly not enough to transform into a creature like that! These scenes were devoid from any emotional realism. The person who wrote this script obviously had no understanding of what drives someone over the edge, of what causes self hatred and what kind of inner conflicts people experience in life. The pivotal scene were Banner turned into the Hulk was pathetic. He started to become angry for no apparent reason. He saw flashes of Jennifer Connelly and that sent him over the edge. Sounds more like boner rage to me.

So that brings me back to my writing ability. I've had a lot of self-hatred, I've been pushed over edge, I've been pushed into a corner where I have no other option but break down and give in to the excruciating pain and fucking yell my lungs out. The moments were you feel like ripping out of your body, like you want to escape the pain by ripping open your skull. You want to unleash the anger in meta-physical way. That's how the real Bruce Banner feels. I can relate to his character and that's why I would be able to write his character better than most people and it's infuriating to see some twat missing a chromosome and an Anger 101 degree writing about a character he knows NOTHING about.

I feel proud of myself. I cleaned my room and my car. Not just cleaned, BUT CLEANED. I honestly can say I feel better about myself. Its funny how you're surroundings can influence you're emotions. How a pair of dirty pants can affect your psyche.

Someday, I'd really love to show the world a part of me. When I write and finish a script, it's like I've extracted a part of me onto 120 pages of paper. It's one of the most unique experiences and I can't even imagine how it would feel to see those words written turn into reality. I honestly think I would cry once everything was completed. Seeing it on the big screen, watching the people's reactions to it, watching people open their mouths in awe, watch them laugh, cry, and stand up and applaud. Chills would be running down my spine, tears would be coming down my cheeks and I think I would realize that this it.

Perspectives of Life

2003-06-24T04:29:44Z

Sometimes I look at my life, I walk into my room and look at the dirty clothes on my ground and I try to put things into perspective. I try to visualize what's really important. If what I believe in is really true. I meditate about a lot of things. Things that affect my life, that can and will affect my life. I listen to the voices of my parents fighting and I try to figure out what this all means. Is it a puzzle? A mystery wrapped inside an Enigma? Is everything we believe in based on a piece of paper or a formulated opinion? Why does nothing make any fucking sense?

Then I have to stop myself.

I have to take myself out of the perspective and realize things aren't suppose to make sense. They're just there, we have to accept them and live our lives the best way we can.

Everything seems to be too shady to full believe in it. There are holes in logic that demand illogical rationalization. So I sit and wait. Wait for the time when the truth will be revealed. I will live my life the way I want to. I will have fun. I will experience things I've never experienced before and when things become apparent and obvious as opposed to how things are now. May that conciousness have mercy on me. I want to believe in something, I want to have a relationship with something superior to myself. I've asked, I've begged but I haven't gotten shit. I'm sorry. I'm a stubborn asshole and if you can read this. I care. Show me, or let me forever walk in ignorance.

Heh, it's hilarious. Now that I've gotten that off my chest and that I'm in perspective mode I feel that anything else I talk about will seem unimportant.

My elbow hurts like a mofo, so I'm going to call in sick tommorrow. Go to the doctors, come home, write about Superheroes and probably masturbate. Jesus Christ, Delerium is like the most hypnotic band ever to grace the airwaves. "Terra Firma", "Duende", "Enchanted" and "Temptation" are incredible. Go stinkin' download these beautiful masterpieces of resonance!

I'm tired of being a pig! No, I'm not crazy. I've been livin' like a pig. My room has been constantly messy for the past 3 months. This stupid money maker machine job has thrown me off from the norm. I no longer enjoy cleaning. It builds character. That's right, I said it. Being a clean person builds character. I like BEING CLEAN. But it's so frucking hard. It's like when I have the time, I want to do something else. Like go on the COMPUTER and talk to PEOPLE that I care for. ;)

Well, that's all on my mind right now. If I think of anything else. I'll update.